Living a Fasted Life

Hey, it’s been a while….where’ve ya been?  : )  I’ve been having a blast without much extra time.  Alexis is home.  We joined a new church…..one that we seem to fit so well with it’s amazing……it’s the one where we went to do the fast…..that’s how God got us there, now we don’t want to leave : )  I did end up doing another one in April as well, (fast).  Monday, (and this is only Tuesday), I decided to juice and do smoothies for the week, I wanted to ask God for help with some things and use it to control my weight as well.  Last night I was reading a book, (part of a homework assignment for a class I’m taking at church on the Holy Spirit….it’s way cool), and read, “Fasting does not change God, it changes me”.  The man who wrote it was talking about going on a hay day with his eating then going down to 1 meal a day when he was really busy and being, “spiritual”, but that made him weak and tired.  God told him, “fasting doesn’t change me….I’m the same no matter what….it changes you….so why not just live a fasted life”?  “Keep your flesh under all the time”.   That really stuck out to me and I wrote it down.  Even though I know this, I seem to forget.  I use fasting as a bargaining chip……Dear Santa, (God), I would like……and I am going to fast in exchange for it….ha ha.  He does give me most of what I want though….but it’s because fasting brings me back in alignment with Him…..and I think that what I want is really his nudge to me to get back on track.

This morning I went out to run a 5K….I did it several days ago….holy moly…..thanks to Alexis.  A couple of weeks ago, I couldn’t/wouldn’t run 1/2 a block, but she got me to keep going for 2 miles with out stopping and I did it the next day and the next and thought I would just see how far I could go on Saturday morning….and wow….I actually made it the entire way!  Soooooooo…….I went out to do that again this morning…..it’s a really good thinking time too…..although, I ended up walking quite a bit of it……I did that because it seemed as though God were having a real good talking to with me…..and I wanted to listen.  Being the obsessive/compulsive person that I am….I keep trying new things….of course with the goal of just being able to get away with as much as I possibly can…..but I keep going around the same mountain, (regarding food).  There are things that I know are good for my kids….that they would save them selves so much struggle if they would just listen to me….and they do for the most part….they are amazing kids…..but there’s always that one thing that we all need to just “make” work on our own that we really don’t have the control over that we think we do……watching someone else struggle with something that you just know the easier way is really to just let go of it can be as big of a struggle as the person struggling…..especially someone that you love…..but we all have free will.  I felt like God was being the parent and reminding me that the easier way really is to let go…..relinquishing control is not something that I do well…..but God has always….every single time…..proven to be right…..and I’m so much better off when I listen….yet, I always think that I can come up with a better plan.  Living a fasted life is safe, freeing, enjoyable and takes me to heights that I’m only able to obtain through obedience….it’s really quite a good deal.

I’m still on this journey with you….are you still with me?

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End of Daniel Fast

Yesterday was day 40 of the Daniel Fast. This has been another amazing experience. With each year and each fast I move closer and closer to living like that on a daily basis rather than just for a time period….but there is something very special about committing that time with God. I love to dwell in His presence….but I feel like I can never get close enough. We had a chihuahua….Jack….he was such a good snuggler…..but he could never seem to get close enough….he would be right next to me…..smashed up as close as possible but he would still wiggle and push to get even closer…..that’s how I feel with God….there are moments of comfort….then I start to wiggle and push to get even closer….and that feels good.

I’m having some really wonderful experiences…..spirit led experiences. Eric and I are taking a class on “the blood covenant”….it sounds pretty mystical and magical….and it is! It’s really powerful….really exciting…..really enlightening. My spiritual life has seemed to be all over the place….and it has…..like a puzzle….there are pieces that you don’t think could possibly be a part of the same picture….and seem as if they are even on opposing ends….yet the more the picture comes together, the more clear and amazing it is how it all works together….it’s all a part of the same picture….even when it seemed as though I was going in the opposite direction….and the picture is so vast and more beautiful than I thought it could be….and it’s still just coming into light….”I ain’t seen nothin’ yet”. I have also been reminded that some good things are in my life permanently and some aren’t….or I just need to take my focus on the next right thing….the right thing for me to progress….for me to become who I was created to be….and it is all okay if I follow God….God’s direction for my life….if I don’t, things just get uncomfortable until I do…but as soon as I do they are comfortable and exciting again.

One of my amazing things….well this has been coming into view for many years….but it seems as though there is extra light and extra energy when I’m doing this fast….and the addict in me wants it 24/7….and of course, more, more, more….actually I think that the wanting of more, more, more is really the void that only God can fill and I will continue to want more until it is filled by Him. Oh dear, I do believe that I’m becoming fanatical….oh well : ) Back to my amazing thing….Reiki. I have been working with this energy since 1997 and it has been quite the experience. I can’t even begin to compute the amount of hours I have spent working with this, receiving information…from God…then applying it…then receiving more and applying that as well. Over the past 7 years I seem to have been in an intensive training with this learning how to attune places, people, times, chakra’s, clearing emotions, energy blocks….some really cool stuff. During this fast a woman was sent to me by a mutual friend, someone that I have never met….(I still haven’t met her, this was all done as distance healing….but we talked on the phone), she was sent to me to heal one thing….which we did….but by applying the lessons that God has taught me….it went deeper and wider than was apparent…it has been such a beautiful experience……and I believe a validating experience….I will just keep going forward and will know by the results….I will know by the fruit : )

I have so much more that I have learned or have been enlightened about….like faith….what it is….I thought I had it…and I did/do….but my understanding of it is so much more clear and it’s clear in a way that is powerful, active and profound. Actually so much has been coming to me over the past few months that I haven’t written about that I hope to. I’ll admit, I’ve been a little bit shy about putting things on here….I think too much about who will read it and what they will think….but that creates a block….when I’m real….cool things happen : )

Happy New Year!!!

Wow, I cant believe that this is my first post of the year. I am happy though that January is almost over….now just a couple of months until spring : ) Eric and I did the fast starting 1/1…he’s done, I just started a cleansing class so I’m doing it with them too….and was planning on going through to the 9th anyway. Today is day 3 of my juicing…I did feel a little run down yesterday but my day 2’s are usually the worst….and it wasn’t that bad. Once I remembered, I just took it easy. Today I feel a lift….still a little on the quiet side, but definitely a lift….and I have been feeling kind of stuck in a few area’s. Spiritually, I’m just amazed at what is happening….it seems to be so much more powerful when Eric does this with me and we are taking a class together that is just…wow! It’s like someone turned up the light….thank you to whoever did that : ) I will share more with you later….until then….have a super blessed, totally awesome, wonderful 2013 full of love and joy!!!

Ready for the New Year?

I am! You know I just love the New Years resolutions : ) I am convinced now more than ever….that at least for me….I need to follow the “rules”. I need to write down my food for the next day, commit that to someone who will hold me accountable…follow that plan and not try to manipulate it. I have been successfully eating this way since 2/2005, no calorie counting, sometimes some obsession with food…because I am obsessive/compulsive : )….and a freedom and security that only comes with this kind of surrender. I have been wrestling with that surrender for several months….doing “research” I have heard it called….research is good. I have a program that allows me to see all of the nutritional value of every thing I eat along with how much more I can have if I do certain exercises. Although it is pretty cool, I have been focusing on that more than just following the same successful guidelines that worked so well for me before….I want total control….and of course, I want more….and it has made me a little crazy along with being in bondage to this system. My weight is actually up 5 lbs from this total control. I read this morning that, “We have found through much experience that no matter how long we abstain from eating compulsively, and no matter how adept we become at facing life’s problems, we will always have these abnormal tendencies with food”. I can see that. I am a nutrition consultant, I believe that that somehow gives me a special insight as to not following the rules of having an eating disorder that it won’t impact me any more, especially eating as healthy as I do….but that is part of the thinking that goes with the disorder….I need to remember that I have this tendency and that it can take over if I stop doing what I know I need to do….I am not exempt for any reason. It’s funny, I was asking God what to do next, the raw food diet, the food combining diet….the answer I got was that He showed me what was right for me 8 years ago….it hasn’t changed….I can do raw or food combining within those guidelines….but those are still very much the same…..and they work as well today as they did 8 years ago….and even though it’s just for today…which I have a tendency to forget….it is highly likely that these will still be my guidelines tomorrow as well….but I will worry about that tomorrow….no, not worry, surrender.

I’m starting January 1 with the Daniel Fast. Eric and I are doing it together with the church that we went to 8 years ago, I feel very excited about it and ready for an amazing 2013.

Be Still and Know That I am God

Be still and know that I am God, Psalm 46:10 was a strong message to me yesterday and today. We are now on our final cleanse of the year and honestly, I was feeling a little less motivated for this one than I did earlier in the year….wondering if I did too many to really reap the spiritual “rewards” because I wasn’t keeping it as sacred. When I got out of the shower yesterday morning, the list of my “prayers” from the summer fast were on the counter. I’m not quite sure how they got out there….it isn’t huge crazy thing because I keep prayer papers behind my clock there and it didn’t have far to slip out….but it did somehow. I read over the list….which was kind of like a list of chores really…..and felt a little indigent because none of them happened. I thought, “what’s up God, I did what I was supposed to….why didn’t you fulfill this list of demands here?” ha ha. Then I started to realize that I had it a little off….although I do pray for what ever I pray for “or better in the highest good of all concerned”….I was missing the mark a bit. The way that I have been doing this since 2005 is to list what I want help with then do the fasting and prayer….so many times what I have asked for or better comes either during or after….and it just clicks into place. So that led me to believe that my “works” of fasting, (Daniel fasting), while praying was “earning” me my desires….not so…although God does….and quite often….thanks God!….fulfill my needs and many desires. What I believe that I had mixed up was the process and the actual intent of that process. As I learned in “Experiencing God”, God will place a desire in our hearts, then we need his direction, guidance and grace to fulfill that desire. By fasting and praying I am removing the obstacles that are in my control….so that I can hear God, surrender to God and let Him show me what I need and what I want. It really does work so much better that way because He can see what I can’t even dream about because I’m not aware of it….I’ve been shown that so many times…..but I needed to be shown that again : )

This morning has been a beautiful, wonderful, magical awakening. I’ve been shown obstacles, misunderstandings and blockages that have impacted my beliefs…they are things that I haven’t been able to change on my own….and can’t change on my own….I need God to do it….I need(ed) to ask Him to do it….and I did. I said the prayers with Eric, it was quite powerful. I am also very aware of the things that He has already done in my life that I could never have done on my own. The safety, love and trust I feel right now is….I don’t want to say intoxicating because that is a negative word….but it’s an all encompassing, blissful pleasure that I don’t have a word to describe.

Be still and know that I am God reminds me that I just need to relax and spend time with Him so that I can hear Him….that is where I get my direction, I don’t have to work on it, I have to allow it, trust it, follow it…..that is swimming with the current rather than against it. Also, “Seek ye first the kingdom of heaven and all these things will be added unto you“. Can it really be that easy? Yes! But it’s not easy to trust that and fall into the flow….that is the hard part….that is the part of surrender….that is what I was reminded to do. Life is so much better than I ever imagined that it could be….and that’s God’s doing….not mine. I know that I can gratefully trust Him with the rest.

Both Kids are at their colleges and 21 day cleanse with the gall bladder flush

Hi! It’s been a while. Both kids have gone to their colleges….I wasn’t sure how I was going to handle it….but it’s really okay. I love this “google face time”. We can see them when we talk to them, we can see things that they are seeing, it’s very cool.

Brett had an interesting time going out to California. He decided to go on “tour”….he went to Chicago first to visit a friend then flew to N.Y. to visit some other friends for a few days….he organized it like lay overs….when he was going from N.Y. to San Fransisco the flight was over booked, he volunteered to take the next flight. In return they gave him a voucher for more than he spent on the ticket, let him hang out in the frequent flyers club enjoying the free snacks, drinks, comfy chairs, WiFi and separate bathrooms and when he got on his flight, they took him to 1st class and treated him like a king….not a bad deal at all : )

A couple of weeks before Brett left, we all took Alexis to her school and got her settled as snug as a bug before we left. She loves her school and her major…..and God knew what he was doing when he set her up with her room mate….they get along like 2 peas in a pod….and that’s pretty much the size of their room…..they did deck it out princess style though with floating lights, canopy’s and happy decorations. I feel good about both kids….it took a while though….and I’m so grateful for the regular contact!

We are now on our 4th and final cleanse of the year. As I am writing this I am on day 3 in the evening…..and really looking forward to food again tomorrow….but I feel good. I even treated myself to a facial at dinner time and didn’t miss the food at all : ) This is also my second gall bladder cleanse and I’m excited to see what that produces in the morning. I did the first one about a month ago and saw approximately one cup of “stones” in the bottom of the toilet. According to Traditional Chinese Medicine, the liver holds anger and the gall bladder the ability to move forward….I want that all out of me thank you very much….as well as the physical benefits.

If you have done the gall bladder/liver cleanse, please post your experience here and how you did it….there are quite a few ways of doing it.

Total Recall

Alexis works at a movie theater and treated the family to a movie the other night.  I don’t like violent or loud movies but wanted to spend some family time with them and thought that this may be alright….the description sounded interesting….well, it is violent and loud….and dreary….I did find it interesting though.  Don’t read any more if you want to watch it and haven’t yet….wait until you see it : )  He started out by having nightmares and visions of someone he was losing, then he woke up with his “loving wife”.  He worked on an assembly line and was passed up for a promotion and made the comment that he would never get off the line.  Out of his boredom, but against the advise of someone close to him, (who later turned out to be a hidden enemy)….but prompted by someone he worked with, he went to this “total recall” place where he could buy memories….a thrilling escape from reality….where you could be anyone you want, do anything you want….you get the picture….the only catch was that it couldn’t have any connection or reality to the person receiving the “memory”.  When the character went under it was discovered that he did identify with being a spy….his fantasy….but unknown to him….his reality.  It continues to unfold as he discovers talents and abilities he possesses that he wasn’t aware of….he has allies that he wasn’t aware of…..and enemy’s that were in the form of a close friend and his wife….both placed in his life to defeat him…..or perhaps to bring out his strengths.  I think that sometimes we are thrown into situations that strengthen us, show us what we are made of…..without the conflict we wouldn’t know what was in us to bring about a new harmony.  What if that is what life really is?  An uncovering, a treasure hunt of what is within.  I have heard for years that we are spiritual beings having a human experience, that we have lessons set up in our lifetime to evolve our souls….to balance karmic debt….to grow.  How fascinating that we may be here to uncover the truth, that we are so much more than we realize….just step out into your fantasy and watch it evolve….see who you are, what you are capable of.  Who would you be if you let go of the insecurities?  Of the unconscious bondage’s of what you think that you can’t do, have, be?  Maybe you don’t have to let go of them first….maybe they come off as you move forward…..weather you choose to or not.

When Michelangelo finished sculpting the David, many people asked him how he created this masterful work of art. His response: “It’s simple. I took away everything that wasn’t the David.”

Our lives can be our masterpieces if we can learn to chisel away at the thoughts and choices that don’t contribute to our sense of authenticity and balance.

What is in your life that isn’t you?  Let it go.  You are a magnificent, beautiful masterpiece, period.

Interesting Insight

We are now on the 3rd cleanse of the year…..it just amazes me that I seem to get a pretty big gift every time I do it…I’ll think that I had my insight for the year….then….bamm….some more seems to come out of no where.  This is huge in connection to my obsession and compulsion with food.  I eat all sorts of ways from juicing to consuming large volumes and many places in between.  For the past 7 years or so I have maintained the same weight range….with lots of help and attention.  I would still have obsession surrounding food throughout my recovery period, I would make big meals for lunch and dinner, if we were out, I would always want to eat at a buffet to make sure that I got enough food….there was a real and gripping fear surrounding food…..and while I was free in one way, I was in bondage in another….the trade off was worth it though….and a much better way to exist.

As you know I have been experimenting with different ways of eating for the past few months, my weight has fluctuated a bit…not super bad….but enough to rattle my cage.  Even though I have been able to eat what I want, when I want and as much or as little as I want, I have noticed this fear surrounding food….and it gets louder and louder….my fear is still that I won’t get enough, I won’t get what I need, I will starve….or….I’ll get fat.  My indulgence has been with fruit….and I feel that God made it…..there fore I should be able to have as much as I want.  I have gone overboard with that….I think from being restricted for so long…..and because I think I just wanted to push it to the wall, see how strong the wall was….find out where exactly the boundary was.

Monday morning when I got up, my weight was 7 lbs over the goal….4 over the max….talk about panic….but it wasn’t fruit….it was a lot of salt…..but still panic….I can’t trust myself, I’m out of control, etc.  I emailed for help….to go back to what has worked for me for 7 years.  I didn’t hear for a while and forgot about my panic and settled back into my new way of eating….and it was just fine…..and my weight dropped 2 lbs over night…..then she emailed me back and was so kind and non judgmental…..I re-read the panic stricken note that I sent her and took the plunge.  I committed what I would eat today and wrote on a question…..it felt good…..safe.  Of course last night didn’t count so I had all the fruit and flax crackers that I wanted….until I was full….and thought, why am I doing this?  It doesn’t even feel satisfying, it feels kind of dumb.  The funny thing is that I thought for sure my weight would be just horrible this morning….it was actually down another 1/2 lb.

When I got up this morning, things were good, I was happy to be back into the security of my boundaries.  While working out, I had some panicking thoughts, that I would starve, that I would go hungry, that life would be so restricting again….normally I would just react in some way to that….run from it in some way…..but Monday….we were actually on that phase of the cleanse….facing fears, past and present….with our tools in hand to deal with them.  I stopped and listened to the fears and talked back to them…..in a kind, mellow, caring way.  The fears were so real and in my cells, the emotions make it feel as if I am experiencing what I am thinking and feeling…..which is usually what triggers the compulsive or obsessive reaction with food.  But I faced the fear and dealt with it….and as real as it seemed in my cells….it’s not real in my existence.  I was also able to see where the fear was real in the past….which is how the strong emotion got so engrained in the first place….it’s a survival netiquette.  There have been so many times when we have been traveling or just out doing things and I have asked God for an abstinent, healthy, satisfying meal…..and I have gotten it every time…..and it’s usually better than what I would have settled for….I think it has always been better than what I would have settled for.  I think that this fear has also been healed….so many things are after we become aware of them and are able to face them squarely….but I won’t know for a while.  The woman that I talked to called what I was doing, “research”, I like that…and I think that I would like to research this a little further….otherwise how will I ever know?  I do love that God is always helping me to learn and grow and there to catch me if I fall.

My life has been crazy busy

Hello, did you wonder what happened to me?  I’m still abstinent….but in a more liberating and freeing way.  Over the past couple of months Brett graduated college, moved, went crazy figuring out which grad school to go to….major intensity there, but now he has made his decision and is happy about it….we are too.  Alexis had lots of lacrosse games, banquets, then graduation, followed by open houses, and her open house, we still have more to go to, but we are done on our end….now we just show up with a card….I can totally do that!  So, now back to normal…what ever that is.

So, since I left cea how. I have been on an adventure….a wild, crazy, freeing, sometimes scary adventure.  I tried free eating and that freaked me out…although it was fun at first. Then I went to OA, but it was too close to Cea HOW without being the whole package….I need a plan.  I heard about the new Weight Watchers plan of free eating within certain foods….dates were on that list, so I was in.  I fell totally, madly, head over heals in love with dates.  I would dream about them constantly, the seduction was intense, I just had to have them, I would buy a  2 lb package eating to my hearts content and get almost drunk with the euphoria I found in them, but it would be followed by feelings of guilt, fear and lack of control.  My weight was staying the same though…at the high end of my range, but within. 

One of the raw food sites that I subscribe to was suggesting an OA Raw meeting, that sounded good….although I wasn’t sure that I wanted to commit to 100% raw all the time, I’ve done it for stretches but I just don’t want to be in bondage with food in any way any more….however, I was intrigued.  I found a buddy who did a similar plan to cea how….and we get along quite well….it’s interesting how much we have in common….from what we know so far.  One of the plans that people were talking about on the raw food OA site was 80-10-10, (80% fruit, 10% fat and 10 % protein….in the form of greens).  I read the book in about 3 days….this was while I was frantically trying to keep up with Alexis’s crazy events and plan the perfect graduation party for her….have I mentioned that I can be compulsive and obsessive?  : )  I found a lot of the information to be interesting and intriguing….so much so that I wanted to try it in the midst of everything that I was trying to accomplish.  I indulged in entire pineapples, 5 bananas at a time, a whole watermelon throughout the day….up to 20 dates at a time…..love those dates : )  I also had romaine, spring mix, celery and other greens with a little fat…I did this for almost a week….my weight went a bit over the top….okay….we’ve gone too far now!  I found a site through 30bananasaday.com that keeps track of my calories as well as how much fat, protein, vitamins, minerals, etc, (cronometer.com), it’s European though so the measurements are metric….no problem.   I figured out how many I ate on the cea how weight loss, how much I was eating through maintenance and compared that to what I was now eating….yes, the calories do still matter….but I believe that going through all of the routes brought me to a safe, comfortable happy place with my food.  I have been sticking to 1600 calories to lose 1/2 lb a week but eat the extra that I earn from exercise….it has definitely motivated me to work out, walk or do yoga….I try to balance them all.  I’m not committing my food before I eat it…but it seems to be working for me.  I would also say that I am about 90 +% raw…but I’m going for over all health rather than trying to fit into a mold.  The 80-10-10 has really liberated me in the fruit department….I never would have eaten 2-3 oranges or an entire pineapple…or watermelon before….and before cea how, I never would have eaten the amount of veggies that I do now….it’s so funny, I would be so diligent with those foods for a day or two then splurge….usually on nachos, pizza, ice cream or something like that.  My husband was even like, “wow! you ate 5 bananas!?!…..I’ve always wanted to do that : )  He also thinks nothing of eating a couple of pieces of pizza or 1/2 a bag of chips….but holy moly, to indulge in fruit…what a concept….I feel so liberated….and grateful.  I believe that we are meant to eat and live in abundance and fully enjoy it….God put these amazing foods here for us….but he didn’t make pizza.  It’s so much fun to find the secret…well, it isn’t a secret, we have just perverted it to a point of non recognition.  I’m still at the high end of my weight range which is why I’m eating at the 1/2lb weight loss range….and I am very satisfied and free….I’ll just add more food when my weight goes back down…or not….as long as I’m in the healthy range I’m fine.