Total Recall

Alexis works at a movie theater and treated the family to a movie the other night.  I don’t like violent or loud movies but wanted to spend some family time with them and thought that this may be alright….the description sounded interesting….well, it is violent and loud….and dreary….I did find it interesting though.  Don’t read any more if you want to watch it and haven’t yet….wait until you see it : )  He started out by having nightmares and visions of someone he was losing, then he woke up with his “loving wife”.  He worked on an assembly line and was passed up for a promotion and made the comment that he would never get off the line.  Out of his boredom, but against the advise of someone close to him, (who later turned out to be a hidden enemy)….but prompted by someone he worked with, he went to this “total recall” place where he could buy memories….a thrilling escape from reality….where you could be anyone you want, do anything you want….you get the picture….the only catch was that it couldn’t have any connection or reality to the person receiving the “memory”.  When the character went under it was discovered that he did identify with being a spy….his fantasy….but unknown to him….his reality.  It continues to unfold as he discovers talents and abilities he possesses that he wasn’t aware of….he has allies that he wasn’t aware of…..and enemy’s that were in the form of a close friend and his wife….both placed in his life to defeat him…..or perhaps to bring out his strengths.  I think that sometimes we are thrown into situations that strengthen us, show us what we are made of…..without the conflict we wouldn’t know what was in us to bring about a new harmony.  What if that is what life really is?  An uncovering, a treasure hunt of what is within.  I have heard for years that we are spiritual beings having a human experience, that we have lessons set up in our lifetime to evolve our souls….to balance karmic debt….to grow.  How fascinating that we may be here to uncover the truth, that we are so much more than we realize….just step out into your fantasy and watch it evolve….see who you are, what you are capable of.  Who would you be if you let go of the insecurities?  Of the unconscious bondage’s of what you think that you can’t do, have, be?  Maybe you don’t have to let go of them first….maybe they come off as you move forward… you choose to or not.

When Michelangelo finished sculpting the David, many people asked him how he created this masterful work of art. His response: “It’s simple. I took away everything that wasn’t the David.”

Our lives can be our masterpieces if we can learn to chisel away at the thoughts and choices that don’t contribute to our sense of authenticity and balance.

What is in your life that isn’t you?  Let it go.  You are a magnificent, beautiful masterpiece, period.


Interesting Insight

We are now on the 3rd cleanse of the year… just amazes me that I seem to get a pretty big gift every time I do it…I’ll think that I had my insight for the year….then….bamm….some more seems to come out of no where.  This is huge in connection to my obsession and compulsion with food.  I eat all sorts of ways from juicing to consuming large volumes and many places in between.  For the past 7 years or so I have maintained the same weight range….with lots of help and attention.  I would still have obsession surrounding food throughout my recovery period, I would make big meals for lunch and dinner, if we were out, I would always want to eat at a buffet to make sure that I got enough food….there was a real and gripping fear surrounding food…..and while I was free in one way, I was in bondage in another….the trade off was worth it though….and a much better way to exist.

As you know I have been experimenting with different ways of eating for the past few months, my weight has fluctuated a bit…not super bad….but enough to rattle my cage.  Even though I have been able to eat what I want, when I want and as much or as little as I want, I have noticed this fear surrounding food….and it gets louder and louder….my fear is still that I won’t get enough, I won’t get what I need, I will starve….or….I’ll get fat.  My indulgence has been with fruit….and I feel that God made it…..there fore I should be able to have as much as I want.  I have gone overboard with that….I think from being restricted for so long…..and because I think I just wanted to push it to the wall, see how strong the wall was….find out where exactly the boundary was.

Monday morning when I got up, my weight was 7 lbs over the goal….4 over the max….talk about panic….but it wasn’t fruit….it was a lot of salt…..but still panic….I can’t trust myself, I’m out of control, etc.  I emailed for help….to go back to what has worked for me for 7 years.  I didn’t hear for a while and forgot about my panic and settled back into my new way of eating….and it was just fine…..and my weight dropped 2 lbs over night…..then she emailed me back and was so kind and non judgmental…..I re-read the panic stricken note that I sent her and took the plunge.  I committed what I would eat today and wrote on a question… felt good…  Of course last night didn’t count so I had all the fruit and flax crackers that I wanted….until I was full….and thought, why am I doing this?  It doesn’t even feel satisfying, it feels kind of dumb.  The funny thing is that I thought for sure my weight would be just horrible this morning….it was actually down another 1/2 lb.

When I got up this morning, things were good, I was happy to be back into the security of my boundaries.  While working out, I had some panicking thoughts, that I would starve, that I would go hungry, that life would be so restricting again….normally I would just react in some way to that….run from it in some way…..but Monday….we were actually on that phase of the cleanse….facing fears, past and present….with our tools in hand to deal with them.  I stopped and listened to the fears and talked back to them… a kind, mellow, caring way.  The fears were so real and in my cells, the emotions make it feel as if I am experiencing what I am thinking and feeling…..which is usually what triggers the compulsive or obsessive reaction with food.  But I faced the fear and dealt with it….and as real as it seemed in my cells….it’s not real in my existence.  I was also able to see where the fear was real in the past….which is how the strong emotion got so engrained in the first place….it’s a survival netiquette.  There have been so many times when we have been traveling or just out doing things and I have asked God for an abstinent, healthy, satisfying meal…..and I have gotten it every time…..and it’s usually better than what I would have settled for….I think it has always been better than what I would have settled for.  I think that this fear has also been healed….so many things are after we become aware of them and are able to face them squarely….but I won’t know for a while.  The woman that I talked to called what I was doing, “research”, I like that…and I think that I would like to research this a little further….otherwise how will I ever know?  I do love that God is always helping me to learn and grow and there to catch me if I fall.

My life has been crazy busy

Hello, did you wonder what happened to me?  I’m still abstinent….but in a more liberating and freeing way.  Over the past couple of months Brett graduated college, moved, went crazy figuring out which grad school to go to….major intensity there, but now he has made his decision and is happy about it….we are too.  Alexis had lots of lacrosse games, banquets, then graduation, followed by open houses, and her open house, we still have more to go to, but we are done on our end….now we just show up with a card….I can totally do that!  So, now back to normal…what ever that is.

So, since I left cea how. I have been on an adventure….a wild, crazy, freeing, sometimes scary adventure.  I tried free eating and that freaked me out…although it was fun at first. Then I went to OA, but it was too close to Cea HOW without being the whole package….I need a plan.  I heard about the new Weight Watchers plan of free eating within certain foods….dates were on that list, so I was in.  I fell totally, madly, head over heals in love with dates.  I would dream about them constantly, the seduction was intense, I just had to have them, I would buy a  2 lb package eating to my hearts content and get almost drunk with the euphoria I found in them, but it would be followed by feelings of guilt, fear and lack of control.  My weight was staying the same though…at the high end of my range, but within. 

One of the raw food sites that I subscribe to was suggesting an OA Raw meeting, that sounded good….although I wasn’t sure that I wanted to commit to 100% raw all the time, I’ve done it for stretches but I just don’t want to be in bondage with food in any way any more….however, I was intrigued.  I found a buddy who did a similar plan to cea how….and we get along quite well….it’s interesting how much we have in common….from what we know so far.  One of the plans that people were talking about on the raw food OA site was 80-10-10, (80% fruit, 10% fat and 10 % protein….in the form of greens).  I read the book in about 3 days….this was while I was frantically trying to keep up with Alexis’s crazy events and plan the perfect graduation party for her….have I mentioned that I can be compulsive and obsessive?  : )  I found a lot of the information to be interesting and intriguing….so much so that I wanted to try it in the midst of everything that I was trying to accomplish.  I indulged in entire pineapples, 5 bananas at a time, a whole watermelon throughout the day….up to 20 dates at a time… those dates : )  I also had romaine, spring mix, celery and other greens with a little fat…I did this for almost a week….my weight went a bit over the top….okay….we’ve gone too far now!  I found a site through that keeps track of my calories as well as how much fat, protein, vitamins, minerals, etc, (, it’s European though so the measurements are metric….no problem.   I figured out how many I ate on the cea how weight loss, how much I was eating through maintenance and compared that to what I was now eating….yes, the calories do still matter….but I believe that going through all of the routes brought me to a safe, comfortable happy place with my food.  I have been sticking to 1600 calories to lose 1/2 lb a week but eat the extra that I earn from exercise….it has definitely motivated me to work out, walk or do yoga….I try to balance them all.  I’m not committing my food before I eat it…but it seems to be working for me.  I would also say that I am about 90 +% raw…but I’m going for over all health rather than trying to fit into a mold.  The 80-10-10 has really liberated me in the fruit department….I never would have eaten 2-3 oranges or an entire pineapple…or watermelon before….and before cea how, I never would have eaten the amount of veggies that I do now….it’s so funny, I would be so diligent with those foods for a day or two then splurge….usually on nachos, pizza, ice cream or something like that.  My husband was even like, “wow! you ate 5 bananas!?!…..I’ve always wanted to do that : )  He also thinks nothing of eating a couple of pieces of pizza or 1/2 a bag of chips….but holy moly, to indulge in fruit…what a concept….I feel so liberated….and grateful.  I believe that we are meant to eat and live in abundance and fully enjoy it….God put these amazing foods here for us….but he didn’t make pizza.  It’s so much fun to find the secret…well, it isn’t a secret, we have just perverted it to a point of non recognition.  I’m still at the high end of my weight range which is why I’m eating at the 1/2lb weight loss range….and I am very satisfied and free….I’ll just add more food when my weight goes back down…or not….as long as I’m in the healthy range I’m fine.

Surprising News

My sponsor called me a couple of weeks ago to tell me some shocking news….after 11 years in the 12 step group we were in for our eating disorder she needed to leave for her health.  The structure was too confining for how she now needed to  take care of herself…’s perfectly understandable.   At that moment, I had a decision to make….get another sponsor or try it on my own.  It didn’t take much thought.  I have been very into the raw food lifestyle for several years now and that with my food plan worked somewhat well together but it was still pretty rigid and restrictive….which is what I needed 7 years ago and for the years following….I had gotten so far off….well….never truly on….a healthy living plan.  The first couple of days were odd…exciting but scary.  I ate my fruit between meals….it’s better to eat fruit alone on an empty stomach anyway….I ate 1/2 of an avocado on my salad…..I ate vegan chili without measuring every ingredient….I ate some raw oatmeal cookies…..I’ve been living like a normal….no, not normal….but healthy person.  Sugar and flour are no doubt not things I want to go back to…or other harmful substances like pork or aspartame….I’m doing a cleanse right now so everything is vegan…..and I feel amazing!  My energy level is great, my mood….there are no going to the bathroom problems….everything is working better than it ever has….I feel so free!  What is really interesting to me is that I found this program after going on  a Daniel Fast…which is what the cleanse is too….and I’m exiting it on one as well….it’s like God is leading me out.  I really needed the intense structure to get on the right track….and I will definitely go back if I need to….but life is changing, Brett is moving to California, Alexis is going to school 9 1/2 hours from here….Eric  and I are going to travel and we are on the next phase of our lives….I don’t want to be strapped to the food plan….but I do want to stay abstinent, healthy and at my ideal weight… far so good….I’m putting it….just like everything else….in God’s hands….and it always works out better than I imagined and in just the right way, form and timing.

I’m Sandee and I’m a raw foodist : )

It’s not just the way you eat, it’s a way of life.  I’m not 100%, although I was for the first 42 days of the year, but I am following it pretty well, I would say at least 90%…probably more.  I’m not all vegan at this point either, although we are going to do 4 cleanses this year and I will be then.  Eric still hasn’t had coffee!  That is so amazing….just as amazing as it was for me.  He too is drinking Teechino and it has really done the trick for him.  We are both having a Vitamin C drink that has some caffeine and ginseng in it…so we aren’t totally there…but  so much better.  We have had more strongholds released….that was VERY interesting….as a couple it’s interesting how we have issues that cross, things we knew were sore spots, but not the real reason why….and that have now been released.

Kid wise, this is an exciting time….a bit frightening….just the letting go part, I so love to be in control you know….I am really needing to trust God again….and He has proven to be quite trustworthy…and awesome : )  Alexis is flying out to Nicaragua tomorrow for the 10 day mission trip, I’m crossing every T and dotting every I, a little nervous, but I do have a sense of peace about it….I admit though that I can’t wait until they get back!  Brett is flying from coast to coast going to interviews for grad school, right now he’s at Cal Tech in sunny 80 degree weather, next week Boston, then back out to California….he is “living the life”.  Eric and I were talking this morning about one kid staying in a posh hotel getting shuttled around, fed, seeing exciting people in a beautiful atmosphere.   The other will be sleeping on  an air bed…also meeting exciting people, being fed and in a beautiful atmosphere….but completely different ends of the spectrum….and they are both extremely excited to be doing what they are doing.

I was watching a television sermon this week that is talking about if you had 30 days left to live, what would you do?  We played with that idea at our small group earlier this week…..aside from emptying our bank accounts and living it up…what would you do with that money, who would you do it with?  I also pondered the question of, “if I were to die today, what would I regret”…..the truth is, nothing.  When my Aunt Carole died….about 11 years ago….I did ponder that question….and I took it seriously.  My regrets at that point would have been that I missed anything with my kids…..I didn’t need to work, yet I had a good job, it was hard for my ego to let go of it….I pondered leaving it for a year before my aunt died but when she did after just turning 57, I decided not to ponder but to take action…I have no doubt in my mind that that wasn’t part of her plan…no one saw it coming, it was a real blow…and only the beginning unfortunately for more.  As tragic as that was, I am grateful for the gift of awareness and that I have done what I really wanted to do up to this point….I have so much more left to do….and I have received so many more gifts as a result of following my heart.   That helps me now that it is time for Brett and Alexis to begin their paths of who they are….and I want them to be everything God created them to be, I want them to follow their passion and live life to the fullest….and I can  trust God that He will be there for them everywhere and in everything….I have to.

25 Days Raw

I’m feeling really good.  The plan was to go 21 days, then vegan for another 19…but I’m happy raw…and it’s January in Michigan!  The cleansing group that I have been privileged to lead is doing so well, pounds have been dropping, but the best part is that people are feeling so good and are wanting to continue eating this way….they’re doing cooked and raw.  Eric gave up his coffee again and could have had it back as of yesterday but chose not to : )  He looks good…his skin has a plumpness and glow to it that it didn’t before.  Others have given up coffee too and you can see it in their faces.  Alexis has been doing this with us from the beginning of the year and is still with it too…she completed her 21 days and took her real milk back and had a little chicken…but nothing processed…she likes how she feels too.  One of the best parts with her was an answer to a prayer, actually two.  She has been undecided on what direction to go in for college….major and school….about 2 weeks ago she was panicking about it, I asked her if she had been saying her prayers and did Reiki….no kidding, within 30 minutes she came running down the stairs all excited because she found a major that incorporated everything that she wanted to do and one of the schools that she was already accepted by had a top program in that area, she has been strong on that ever since.  We haven’t actually visited this college yet because it’s 9 hours away : O….but she has read everything about it and has done every virtual tour available…. now instead of going somewhere warm and sunny for spring break, we will be going deeper into the heart of winter….another : O…but she loves snow.

It’s so heartwarming and motivating to see how cleansing with prayer and purpose impacts people.  Someone following the blog, (Tif : ) even decided to give it a try.