Yesterday was day 40 of the Daniel Fast. This has been another amazing experience. With each year and each fast I move closer and closer to living like that on a daily basis rather than just for a time period….but there is something very special about committing that time with God. I love to dwell in His presence….but I feel like I can never get close enough. We had a chihuahua….Jack….he was such a good snuggler…..but he could never seem to get close enough….he would be right next to me…..smashed up as close as possible but he would still wiggle and push to get even closer…..that’s how I feel with God….there are moments of comfort….then I start to wiggle and push to get even closer….and that feels good.
I’m having some really wonderful experiences…..spirit led experiences. Eric and I are taking a class on “the blood covenant”….it sounds pretty mystical and magical….and it is! It’s really powerful….really exciting…..really enlightening. My spiritual life has seemed to be all over the place….and it has…..like a puzzle….there are pieces that you don’t think could possibly be a part of the same picture….and seem as if they are even on opposing ends….yet the more the picture comes together, the more clear and amazing it is how it all works together….it’s all a part of the same picture….even when it seemed as though I was going in the opposite direction….and the picture is so vast and more beautiful than I thought it could be….and it’s still just coming into light….”I ain’t seen nothin’ yet”. I have also been reminded that some good things are in my life permanently and some aren’t….or I just need to take my focus on the next right thing….the right thing for me to progress….for me to become who I was created to be….and it is all okay if I follow God….God’s direction for my life….if I don’t, things just get uncomfortable until I do…but as soon as I do they are comfortable and exciting again.
One of my amazing things….well this has been coming into view for many years….but it seems as though there is extra light and extra energy when I’m doing this fast….and the addict in me wants it 24/7….and of course, more, more, more….actually I think that the wanting of more, more, more is really the void that only God can fill and I will continue to want more until it is filled by Him. Oh dear, I do believe that I’m becoming fanatical….oh well : ) Back to my amazing thing….Reiki. I have been working with this energy since 1997 and it has been quite the experience. I can’t even begin to compute the amount of hours I have spent working with this, receiving information…from God…then applying it…then receiving more and applying that as well. Over the past 7 years I seem to have been in an intensive training with this learning how to attune places, people, times, chakra’s, clearing emotions, energy blocks….some really cool stuff. During this fast a woman was sent to me by a mutual friend, someone that I have never met….(I still haven’t met her, this was all done as distance healing….but we talked on the phone), she was sent to me to heal one thing….which we did….but by applying the lessons that God has taught me….it went deeper and wider than was apparent…it has been such a beautiful experience……and I believe a validating experience….I will just keep going forward and will know by the results….I will know by the fruit : )
I have so much more that I have learned or have been enlightened about….like faith….what it is….I thought I had it…and I did/do….but my understanding of it is so much more clear and it’s clear in a way that is powerful, active and profound. Actually so much has been coming to me over the past few months that I haven’t written about that I hope to. I’ll admit, I’ve been a little bit shy about putting things on here….I think too much about who will read it and what they will think….but that creates a block….when I’m real….cool things happen : )
Be still and know that I am God, Psalm 46:10 was a strong message to me yesterday and today. We are now on our final cleanse of the year and honestly, I was feeling a little less motivated for this one than I did earlier in the year….wondering if I did too many to really reap the spiritual “rewards” because I wasn’t keeping it as sacred. When I got out of the shower yesterday morning, the list of my “prayers” from the summer fast were on the counter. I’m not quite sure how they got out there….it isn’t huge crazy thing because I keep prayer papers behind my clock there and it didn’t have far to slip out….but it did somehow. I read over the list….which was kind of like a list of chores really…..and felt a little indigent because none of them happened. I thought, “what’s up God, I did what I was supposed to….why didn’t you fulfill this list of demands here?” ha ha. Then I started to realize that I had it a little off….although I do pray for what ever I pray for “or better in the highest good of all concerned”….I was missing the mark a bit. The way that I have been doing this since 2005 is to list what I want help with then do the fasting and prayer….so many times what I have asked for or better comes either during or after….and it just clicks into place. So that led me to believe that my “works” of fasting, (Daniel fasting), while praying was “earning” me my desires….not so…although God does….and quite often….thanks God!….fulfill my needs and many desires. What I believe that I had mixed up was the process and the actual intent of that process. As I learned in “Experiencing God”, God will place a desire in our hearts, then we need his direction, guidance and grace to fulfill that desire. By fasting and praying I am removing the obstacles that are in my control….so that I can hear God, surrender to God and let Him show me what I need and what I want. It really does work so much better that way because He can see what I can’t even dream about because I’m not aware of it….I’ve been shown that so many times…..but I needed to be shown that again : )
This morning has been a beautiful, wonderful, magical awakening. I’ve been shown obstacles, misunderstandings and blockages that have impacted my beliefs…they are things that I haven’t been able to change on my own….and can’t change on my own….I need God to do it….I need(ed) to ask Him to do it….and I did. I said the prayers with Eric, it was quite powerful. I am also very aware of the things that He has already done in my life that I could never have done on my own. The safety, love and trust I feel right now is….I don’t want to say intoxicating because that is a negative word….but it’s an all encompassing, blissful pleasure that I don’t have a word to describe.
Be still and know that I am God reminds me that I just need to relax and spend time with Him so that I can hear Him….that is where I get my direction, I don’t have to work on it, I have to allow it, trust it, follow it…..that is swimming with the current rather than against it. Also, “Seek ye first the kingdom of heaven and all these things will be added unto you“. Can it really be that easy? Yes! But it’s not easy to trust that and fall into the flow….that is the hard part….that is the part of surrender….that is what I was reminded to do. Life is so much better than I ever imagined that it could be….and that’s God’s doing….not mine. I know that I can gratefully trust Him with the rest.
Alexis works at a movie theater and treated the family to a movie the other night. I don’t like violent or loud movies but wanted to spend some family time with them and thought that this may be alright….the description sounded interesting….well, it is violent and loud….and dreary….I did find it interesting though. Don’t read any more if you want to watch it and haven’t yet….wait until you see it : ) He started out by having nightmares and visions of someone he was losing, then he woke up with his “loving wife”. He worked on an assembly line and was passed up for a promotion and made the comment that he would never get off the line. Out of his boredom, but against the advise of someone close to him, (who later turned out to be a hidden enemy)….but prompted by someone he worked with, he went to this “total recall” place where he could buy memories….a thrilling escape from reality….where you could be anyone you want, do anything you want….you get the picture….the only catch was that it couldn’t have any connection or reality to the person receiving the “memory”. When the character went under it was discovered that he did identify with being a spy….his fantasy….but unknown to him….his reality. It continues to unfold as he discovers talents and abilities he possesses that he wasn’t aware of….he has allies that he wasn’t aware of…..and enemy’s that were in the form of a close friend and his wife….both placed in his life to defeat him…..or perhaps to bring out his strengths. I think that sometimes we are thrown into situations that strengthen us, show us what we are made of…..without the conflict we wouldn’t know what was in us to bring about a new harmony. What if that is what life really is? An uncovering, a treasure hunt of what is within. I have heard for years that we are spiritual beings having a human experience, that we have lessons set up in our lifetime to evolve our souls….to balance karmic debt….to grow. How fascinating that we may be here to uncover the truth, that we are so much more than we realize….just step out into your fantasy and watch it evolve….see who you are, what you are capable of. Who would you be if you let go of the insecurities? Of the unconscious bondage’s of what you think that you can’t do, have, be? Maybe you don’t have to let go of them first….maybe they come off as you move forward…..weather you choose to or not.
When Michelangelo finished sculpting the David, many people asked him how he created this masterful work of art. His response: “It’s simple. I took away everything that wasn’t the David.”
Our lives can be our masterpieces if we can learn to chisel away at the thoughts and choices that don’t contribute to our sense of authenticity and balance.
What is in your life that isn’t you? Let it go. You are a magnificent, beautiful masterpiece, period.
It’s not just the way you eat, it’s a way of life. I’m not 100%, although I was for the first 42 days of the year, but I am following it pretty well, I would say at least 90%…probably more. I’m not all vegan at this point either, although we are going to do 4 cleanses this year and I will be then. Eric still hasn’t had coffee! That is so amazing….just as amazing as it was for me. He too is drinking Teechino and it has really done the trick for him. We are both having a Vitamin C drink that has some caffeine and ginseng in it…so we aren’t totally there…but so much better. We have had more strongholds released….that was VERY interesting….as a couple it’s interesting how we have issues that cross, things we knew were sore spots, but not the real reason why….and that have now been released.
Kid wise, this is an exciting time….a bit frightening….just the letting go part, I so love to be in control you know….I am really needing to trust God again….and He has proven to be quite trustworthy…and awesome : ) Alexis is flying out to Nicaragua tomorrow for the 10 day mission trip, I’m crossing every T and dotting every I, a little nervous, but I do have a sense of peace about it….I admit though that I can’t wait until they get back! Brett is flying from coast to coast going to interviews for grad school, right now he’s at Cal Tech in sunny 80 degree weather, next week Boston, then back out to California….he is “living the life”. Eric and I were talking this morning about one kid staying in a posh hotel getting shuttled around, fed, seeing exciting people in a beautiful atmosphere. The other will be sleeping on an air bed…also meeting exciting people, being fed and in a beautiful atmosphere….but completely different ends of the spectrum….and they are both extremely excited to be doing what they are doing.
I was watching a television sermon this week that is talking about if you had 30 days left to live, what would you do? We played with that idea at our small group earlier this week…..aside from emptying our bank accounts and living it up…what would you do with that money, who would you do it with? I also pondered the question of, “if I were to die today, what would I regret”…..the truth is, nothing. When my Aunt Carole died….about 11 years ago….I did ponder that question….and I took it seriously. My regrets at that point would have been that I missed anything with my kids…..I didn’t need to work, yet I had a good job, it was hard for my ego to let go of it….I pondered leaving it for a year before my aunt died but when she did after just turning 57, I decided not to ponder but to take action…I have no doubt in my mind that that wasn’t part of her plan…no one saw it coming, it was a real blow…and only the beginning unfortunately for more. As tragic as that was, I am grateful for the gift of awareness and that I have done what I really wanted to do up to this point….I have so much more left to do….and I have received so many more gifts as a result of following my heart. That helps me now that it is time for Brett and Alexis to begin their paths of who they are….and I want them to be everything God created them to be, I want them to follow their passion and live life to the fullest….and I can trust God that He will be there for them everywhere and in everything….I have to.
I just spent a wonderful weekend at the Lindenwood Retreat Center, (lindenwood.org), in Indiana. I had no expectations, I brought some books and just went with the flow. The retreat theme was on giving our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him, it didn’t matter what if any religious background you came from, and asking for the knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry it out. I was happily surprised at how deeply I felt God. I feel like yet another chunk has been removed and in it’s place there is light, and a very serene sense of peace and trust.
My life is in a tradition phase with both kids graduating to a new level….I’m so excited for both of them. For the past 21 years, my life has been centered around them, and I am so grateful for that, so grateful. I never saw myself as a stay-at-home mom or wife before I did it….I think that it appealed to me, but I never would have admitted it….it just wasn’t cool or sophisticated. This is an area that I prayed and surrendered to God….and he came through! I trusted him, followed him, and the results are amazing! What’s funny is that even with that knowledge I somehow feel that I have to be in control of the future and all of the categories of my life, I have an idea of what is good for me, and I need to take care of business, but I don’t see the whole picture. I was reminded though, that God does. He is aware of my husband, my kids, my home, all of my many groups, activities and needs…..I also saw that I am a high maintenance girl : )….He knows what I am to contribute to the world next. When ever I let go…..and sometimes I really have an iron grip on things….He makes it turn out so well….it all flows, nothing is left out….nothing that is supposed to be there anyway….he will clean out clutter and debris……it all makes sense and is deeply satisfying. I have heard many times lately how our destiny isn’t some big, unfamiliar thing out there somewhere….it’s what we are already doing, what we already get joy from, we just need to do it more and do it better….I can do that.
HI! I have gone to blog so many times in the past couple of months, but just didn’t. Life is very interesting right now, very enlightening. I do believe too that I have finally had my last run about with Pepsi Max. The root of the addiction was shown to me and I was able to release it and let it go. Addiction after all is the consumption of something that we know is harmful to us yet makes us feel better when we succumb to it. It has been a little over a month since my revelation. This time I quit because there is a raw food retreat center that I would like to go and volunteer at to learn more about the lifestyle, needless to say, they don’t drink Pepsi Max and I wouldn’t be of much use if I was detoxing from it while they were expecting me to help, so I thought I would give it another try…short term of course. The next dayI was at a meeting with people that I always feel good and comfortable with….without the Pepsi Max….a huge feeling of fear and insecurity overwhelmed me and I couldn’t wait to get home….where of course I had some Pepsi Max waiting for me….I knew drinking it would make the feeling go away and replace it with joy, energy and the ability to concur the rest of the day. I had a glimpse in the past that I was running from a fear and hiding in the super charged security of the sweet, black nectar, but it still didn’t seem that easy….and even for me, it felt weird, weak…..after all I am Super Sandee…..totally confident and capable : ) Who wants to feel weak and insecure? This time, I stopped and asked God what was wrong, what was I so afraid of? Then I waited…in fear and really wanting to get rid of this feeling at any cost…..including succumbing to this controlling addiction yet again for the temporary and immediate relief that I knew it would give me. I also asked God to remove the desire if He wanted me to go without it. I got a clear message/awakening/enlightenment….whatever you want to call it. I was terrified that the people that I cared for would “find out” that they didn’t like me anymore and would abandon me. They would “find out” that I was really worthless and insignificant. There was an event that had happened during that time…not a really big one….just a remnant of other pains in the past that had come up again and my conscious mind quickly sloughed it off, filed it away and proceeded. It was how I had learned to process pain in the past, it was the more mature, dignified way to handle it. Similar things had happened and I had a deep fear that it would happen again….but as long as I stayed caught up in the unawareness and super speed of the Pepsi Max….it wouldn’t catch up to me or my consciousness. I asked God to heal that in me….and He did. I haven’t had the desire for it since. I also have a security and feeling of worthiness that is real that I didn’t have before. I find it so interesting that something like that can rule us to the extent it does….our minds, bodies and emotions do what ever they can to protect us….and for that I have love and appreciation….now I have more patience and understanding to ask what really is the matter….and the security of knowing that as long as I have God, it will be just fine. Every addiction I have had has been a “tool”….it may not have been the best tool, but I knew how to use it. It makes more appreciate all the more when I get the correct tool for the job : )
I have so much more to share with you from the past couple of months, and I will, but not today. Life is so good, I’m in such a good space.
Lots of Love and Light to you!