Interesting Insight


We are now on the 3rd cleanse of the year…..it just amazes me that I seem to get a pretty big gift every time I do it…I’ll think that I had my insight for the year….then….bamm….some more seems to come out of no where.  This is huge in connection to my obsession and compulsion with food.  I eat all sorts of ways from juicing to consuming large volumes and many places in between.  For the past 7 years or so I have maintained the same weight range….with lots of help and attention.  I would still have obsession surrounding food throughout my recovery period, I would make big meals for lunch and dinner, if we were out, I would always want to eat at a buffet to make sure that I got enough food….there was a real and gripping fear surrounding food…..and while I was free in one way, I was in bondage in another….the trade off was worth it though….and a much better way to exist.

As you know I have been experimenting with different ways of eating for the past few months, my weight has fluctuated a bit…not super bad….but enough to rattle my cage.  Even though I have been able to eat what I want, when I want and as much or as little as I want, I have noticed this fear surrounding food….and it gets louder and louder….my fear is still that I won’t get enough, I won’t get what I need, I will starve….or….I’ll get fat.  My indulgence has been with fruit….and I feel that God made it…..there fore I should be able to have as much as I want.  I have gone overboard with that….I think from being restricted for so long…..and because I think I just wanted to push it to the wall, see how strong the wall was….find out where exactly the boundary was.

Monday morning when I got up, my weight was 7 lbs over the goal….4 over the max….talk about panic….but it wasn’t fruit….it was a lot of salt…..but still panic….I can’t trust myself, I’m out of control, etc.  I emailed for help….to go back to what has worked for me for 7 years.  I didn’t hear for a while and forgot about my panic and settled back into my new way of eating….and it was just fine…..and my weight dropped 2 lbs over night…..then she emailed me back and was so kind and non judgmental…..I re-read the panic stricken note that I sent her and took the plunge.  I committed what I would eat today and wrote on a question…..it felt good…..safe.  Of course last night didn’t count so I had all the fruit and flax crackers that I wanted….until I was full….and thought, why am I doing this?  It doesn’t even feel satisfying, it feels kind of dumb.  The funny thing is that I thought for sure my weight would be just horrible this morning….it was actually down another 1/2 lb.

When I got up this morning, things were good, I was happy to be back into the security of my boundaries.  While working out, I had some panicking thoughts, that I would starve, that I would go hungry, that life would be so restricting again….normally I would just react in some way to that….run from it in some way…..but Monday….we were actually on that phase of the cleanse….facing fears, past and present….with our tools in hand to deal with them.  I stopped and listened to the fears and talked back to them…..in a kind, mellow, caring way.  The fears were so real and in my cells, the emotions make it feel as if I am experiencing what I am thinking and feeling…..which is usually what triggers the compulsive or obsessive reaction with food.  But I faced the fear and dealt with it….and as real as it seemed in my cells….it’s not real in my existence.  I was also able to see where the fear was real in the past….which is how the strong emotion got so engrained in the first place….it’s a survival netiquette.  There have been so many times when we have been traveling or just out doing things and I have asked God for an abstinent, healthy, satisfying meal…..and I have gotten it every time…..and it’s usually better than what I would have settled for….I think it has always been better than what I would have settled for.  I think that this fear has also been healed….so many things are after we become aware of them and are able to face them squarely….but I won’t know for a while.  The woman that I talked to called what I was doing, “research”, I like that…and I think that I would like to research this a little further….otherwise how will I ever know?  I do love that God is always helping me to learn and grow and there to catch me if I fall.

My life has been crazy busy


Hello, did you wonder what happened to me?  I’m still abstinent….but in a more liberating and freeing way.  Over the past couple of months Brett graduated college, moved, went crazy figuring out which grad school to go to….major intensity there, but now he has made his decision and is happy about it….we are too.  Alexis had lots of lacrosse games, banquets, then graduation, followed by open houses, and her open house, we still have more to go to, but we are done on our end….now we just show up with a card….I can totally do that!  So, now back to normal…what ever that is.

So, since I left cea how. I have been on an adventure….a wild, crazy, freeing, sometimes scary adventure.  I tried free eating and that freaked me out…although it was fun at first. Then I went to OA, but it was too close to Cea HOW without being the whole package….I need a plan.  I heard about the new Weight Watchers plan of free eating within certain foods….dates were on that list, so I was in.  I fell totally, madly, head over heals in love with dates.  I would dream about them constantly, the seduction was intense, I just had to have them, I would buy a  2 lb package eating to my hearts content and get almost drunk with the euphoria I found in them, but it would be followed by feelings of guilt, fear and lack of control.  My weight was staying the same though…at the high end of my range, but within. 

One of the raw food sites that I subscribe to was suggesting an OA Raw meeting, that sounded good….although I wasn’t sure that I wanted to commit to 100% raw all the time, I’ve done it for stretches but I just don’t want to be in bondage with food in any way any more….however, I was intrigued.  I found a buddy who did a similar plan to cea how….and we get along quite well….it’s interesting how much we have in common….from what we know so far.  One of the plans that people were talking about on the raw food OA site was 80-10-10, (80% fruit, 10% fat and 10 % protein….in the form of greens).  I read the book in about 3 days….this was while I was frantically trying to keep up with Alexis’s crazy events and plan the perfect graduation party for her….have I mentioned that I can be compulsive and obsessive?  : )  I found a lot of the information to be interesting and intriguing….so much so that I wanted to try it in the midst of everything that I was trying to accomplish.  I indulged in entire pineapples, 5 bananas at a time, a whole watermelon throughout the day….up to 20 dates at a time…..love those dates : )  I also had romaine, spring mix, celery and other greens with a little fat…I did this for almost a week….my weight went a bit over the top….okay….we’ve gone too far now!  I found a site through 30bananasaday.com that keeps track of my calories as well as how much fat, protein, vitamins, minerals, etc, (cronometer.com), it’s European though so the measurements are metric….no problem.   I figured out how many I ate on the cea how weight loss, how much I was eating through maintenance and compared that to what I was now eating….yes, the calories do still matter….but I believe that going through all of the routes brought me to a safe, comfortable happy place with my food.  I have been sticking to 1600 calories to lose 1/2 lb a week but eat the extra that I earn from exercise….it has definitely motivated me to work out, walk or do yoga….I try to balance them all.  I’m not committing my food before I eat it…but it seems to be working for me.  I would also say that I am about 90 +% raw…but I’m going for over all health rather than trying to fit into a mold.  The 80-10-10 has really liberated me in the fruit department….I never would have eaten 2-3 oranges or an entire pineapple…or watermelon before….and before cea how, I never would have eaten the amount of veggies that I do now….it’s so funny, I would be so diligent with those foods for a day or two then splurge….usually on nachos, pizza, ice cream or something like that.  My husband was even like, “wow! you ate 5 bananas!?!…..I’ve always wanted to do that : )  He also thinks nothing of eating a couple of pieces of pizza or 1/2 a bag of chips….but holy moly, to indulge in fruit…what a concept….I feel so liberated….and grateful.  I believe that we are meant to eat and live in abundance and fully enjoy it….God put these amazing foods here for us….but he didn’t make pizza.  It’s so much fun to find the secret…well, it isn’t a secret, we have just perverted it to a point of non recognition.  I’m still at the high end of my weight range which is why I’m eating at the 1/2lb weight loss range….and I am very satisfied and free….I’ll just add more food when my weight goes back down…or not….as long as I’m in the healthy range I’m fine.

Happy 4th of July and “The Sunfood Diet Success System”


Happy 4th Everyone!  I think that this has been the most relaxing 4th of July I’ve ever had and I have with it a deep sense of peace.  Brett and Alexis are out having fun with their friends swimming and seeing people, we had a nice family BBQ yesterday, went up north for a half a day and today spent pretty much all of it, (just Eric and me), out on the deck.  The weather has been so beautiful!

I have had the book “The Sunfood Diet Success System” by David Wolfe for about 9 years or so.  I found out about it from a woman in my meditation group whom I was also working with at the time….I remember reading that I could eat as much as I wanted as long as it was raw and lose weight….I was all for that!  I tried it, I didn’t really read the book, just the part that said I could have as many avocados and mangos as I wanted….and I did….I didn’t lose weight.  The book has pretty much been on the shelf since.  As you know I have done the raw food diet since and have kept to 60-75% raw.  I actually never did go 100% raw because I was using kefir and yogurt for protein and they are pasteurized, (cooked), but I still had some amazing results in my few short months of following it.  Emotional baggage surfaced and left.  Weight just fell off, which meant that I got to eat more.  My energy was abundant.  My outlook was very positive.  I really enjoyed it…so why did I stop?  Convenience.  I didn’t want my life to be any more restrictive than it was with the no sugar no flour so I slowly started eating more and more cooked foods and more and more animal proteins….mostly eggs, yogurt and cheese…..sometimes chicken, fish or beef….but not much.

For the past few months the thought of doing it again will pop into my head with excitement….but then I think, no, it’s too much work and more restriction….and what I do is fine.   I’m healthier than I have ever been, my weight is stable, I look better than I ever have, I’m happy, etc…why fix what isn’t broken?  So I haven’t changed.  Last week I took “Esoteric Healing II”, it’s more energy work….that really helped make some things really come together for me in so many ways…but that’s not why I’m talking about it.  On the last day we did a meditation, and in this meditation where we connected with our Higher Selves and God, we also connected to a group of teachers….when you do energy work, you get spiritual help.  In my meditation and in my “group”, I only saw one face, David Wolfe’s.  I thought that was odd and really didn’t think much more about it.  The next day the image was strong in my thoughts so I asked God if He were directing me to David Wolfe and raw foods….I got the feeling to go and find this book and read it….I usually comb the internet for information like that, he has a lot of You Tube videos, a web site….a couple of them actually….my point is that reading this book was the furthest thing from my mind….I have seen it, didn’t really get it…..and it’s huge….about an inch and a half thick….but I found it and started reading it.  This time it has made perfect sense to me….a lot has changed over the past 9 years…..and this book is awesome!  It also tied into the spiritual healing and work that I do….it connected more dot’s…..and it gave me the desire to do it again….it gave real meaning to it, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.  I also really appreciated how he goes about it in the book….slow but sure rather than and over night complete change then binge because it’s too much…..it just makes sense on all levels, more now than ever.  I read the entire book this weekend….it’s actually a very good reading book.  Now my intent is to go through it again and actually do the exercises he has at the end of the chapters as well as go more raw again.  He says that if you do 95% raw, you get 95% results but if you do 100% raw, you get 1000% results….sounds like a great investment to me!  I’m not going to do it over night though, I have more to learn on how I’m going to do it….but I have a good idea, Cea HOW rules are still the top priority.

I just wanted to share that with you and invite you to do this with me….and like always, I will be letting you know how it’s going : )

Secrets of the Vine


It has been a few days since I stopped the all raw….and it only was a few days, that’s all it took.  I’m amazed, the gap has been closed, my questions answered and the road to follow is well lit….well enough for my next steps.    I woke up a few mornings ago with the book, “Secrets of the Vine” on my mind.  It’s a tiny little book by Bruce Wilkinson, the same author as “The Prayer of Jabez”.  I found it in the bookcase in the basement, sat down and looked at it for a little while.  The first chapter didn’t really seem to be clicking with me and I felt that I really should be doing something rather than reading a book, so I put it down and went to work.  I thought about it a few more times throughout the morning then after lunch decided to look at it a little better on the deck….it was a good excuse to go out and sit in the sun : )  After just a few minutes, I was in awe.  It was directly speaking to my confusion on an issue!  An issue that was keeping me in a state of bondage really….something that I felt that I had control over, or that I needed to do something about to make “right”.  The book shows how sometimes God is disciplining us, sometimes He’s pruning us and there comes a time where He just wants us to “hang” with Him….and like I said, it showed me where I was at….not only with the issue that I was not overcoming, but with where I’m at in life in general.  It gave me a sense of peace and security that I haven’t felt in a while….exactly what I had asked for upon doing this fast.

I meditate regularly, in a group, 2-3 times a week.  I watch Joyce Meyer, Creflo Dollar, the Copelands, Joel Osteen and sometimes Charles Stanley and Greggory Dickkow…..daily.  I do Reiki when I feel the need to….sometimes hours in a day, sometimes I won’t for a week.  I have felt the need to give at least an hour a day to just “hang” with God, by reading the Bible and other books through the Hindu and Buddhism religions as well as Christian….I want to know God as well as I possibly can…..I want to know who He says He is….and the only way to do that is to spend time with Him….I would actually like to spend more than an hour a day with him…..but it feels self-indulgent…..so I deny myself….even the hour.  Just over the past couple of days of doing it though, God has shown me, again, how everything else is so much easier when I put Him first, “seek ye first the kingdom of heaven and all these things shall be added on to you”.   He talks to me, I can hear Him, follow Him and reap the rewards.  Eric is a tremendous support….he sees the benefits and expresses them…..that we all receive when I do this.  This isn’t something new over the past few days….but it has been a “renewal”.  I really need to stop getting in my own way : )  Life is Good!!!!

Addicted to Food


There’s a new show on Oprah’s Network, (OWN), called “Addicted to Food”.  I recorded them earlier and watched three episodes in a row….the shows aren’t so long with DVR : )  If you have any eating disorder, anorexia, bulimia,(and there are several kinds of this), compulsive eating…or just think that you may….this is a good series to watch!  It centers around 8 people at a treatment center for eating disorders and follows them and what they go through for 6 weeks.  They follow the 12 steps, have to eat what is given to them…no more…no less….they are cut off from the outside world and have to face their “stuff”….it’s like a meeting on t.v. : )  The next time that it will be on is Tuesday….I don’t know if there’s another chance to see the episodes that were on today…but even if you can’t, they’ll catch you up with the previews.

I hope you have a wonderful Easter!!!!

Brett and Alexis


Lately I’m so amazed at these incredible souls that God sent here to us through me named Brett and Alexis.  To think that they weren’t here, that they formed inside me, appeared as tiny human beings, then grew into who they are before our very eyes is so awesome.  I think that we realized it when they first appeared, but the day to day living….very busy living…..lightened the wonder, we just desperately tried to keep up .  I was talking with friends last night about children…and of course, I talked about mine…..and I’m still thinking about this.  They came exactly as they are, their personalities were very distinct from the start, and they changed me by coming through me.  They both called forth qualities, talents and abilities from within me that I needed to become their parent.  Eric told me that he saw me change even as I was pregnant.

Brett is very intense, driven and focused, he needs a structured, dependable, nurturing environment….he’s also very sensitive to the energies of the people and things around him….so it’s important who and what are in his space….and that he has his own space.  I prayed a lot since he was first born….I didn’t know how to be a parent, but I knew that this was the most important job that I would ever do and wanted all of the help I could get….from God….and He has seemed to have shown me/us.  I say me because that has been my job for most of 20 years….what I have done full time….of course Eric has a lot to do with it….but it has been my primary responsibility….and I have been allowed to have this be my primary responsibility, (the majority of my time) because he makes his primary responsibility his job, (the majority of his time)….but none of it works without the other parts working….and it all works very well together.  Anyway, Brett called forth a strong sense of responsibility and accountability that I didn’t have before….he was who he was….it wasn’t up to me to “mold” him….that was between him and God….and I am so grateful to have this extremely intelligent,  thoughtful, loving person in my life….my job was to be a loving, stable adult….to create an environment for him that was safe for him to thrive in, to feed him right, encourage him, teach him manners, read with him, play with him, do life with him.  Sometimes the outside forces were difficult to deal with but because I had this job of keeping the negative energies away from my baby….I could do it….most of the time….I could do for him what I couldn’t do for myself….but by doing it for him, I became able to do it for myself as well….but later.  I didn’t do it perfect of course, I was still learning and growing as I was doing it….and for some things, I wish I could go back as the me I am now and do it better.  Brett was my little buddy, and made my heart burst open wide.

Then came Alexis, she was who she is too.  A sweet, considerate, talkative social girl….I believe she came out of the womb with stories of her trip here : )  I love talking to her and appreciate her insight and the way she looks at things.  She brought forth a more profound spirituality in me.  I was spiritual before but once I became pregnant for her the intensity increased big time and continues to do so still.  Alexis has caught on to God like a fish to water, it’s who she is and once the environment opened up to her…she blossomed.  After I had Brett I didn’t think that I wanted or needed any other children but Alexis came very quickly after we decided to try.  She has brought such a sense of light and peace to all of us, I don’t know how I ever thought that I could live without her….either one of them….they are the most special people in the world to me along with Eric and it just amazes me how they just came from seemingly no where and became the center of our lives…the most perfect people for me to be with….I could say it over and over and it wouldn’t be enough.  Another gift Alexis brought through to me was the ability to take care of my self….I think because she is also a girl.  I used to put myself last a lot, I would talk very negatively to myself, let other people take advantage of me because I believed that it was okay, that I deserved it or I was “a good girl” if I did.  I had a dream or vision or something of Alexis being paddled and crying and it not stopping and tore me up because in the dream I think that I was doing it to her….then the message was that that was how bad God felt when I treated myself that way….and I also needed to be a better example because kids do what we do more than what we say.  I want my kids to be kind, considerate and respectful, but I also want them to be treated that way in return and not be door mats.  I can do for them what I couldn’t do for myself….but now I am doing it for myself.  They have helped me to grow into a much better person than I would have been without them.

Thank you God for forming this family for us and everything that has come with it, even the hard things….because those have strengthened us and helped us grow.  Thank you for trusting me/us with them and for your guidance, they are definitely valuable, contributing members of society and help to make the world a better place because they are in it.