We are now on the 3rd cleanse of the year…..it just amazes me that I seem to get a pretty big gift every time I do it…I’ll think that I had my insight for the year….then….bamm….some more seems to come out of no where. This is huge in connection to my obsession and compulsion with food. I eat all sorts of ways from juicing to consuming large volumes and many places in between. For the past 7 years or so I have maintained the same weight range….with lots of help and attention. I would still have obsession surrounding food throughout my recovery period, I would make big meals for lunch and dinner, if we were out, I would always want to eat at a buffet to make sure that I got enough food….there was a real and gripping fear surrounding food…..and while I was free in one way, I was in bondage in another….the trade off was worth it though….and a much better way to exist.
As you know I have been experimenting with different ways of eating for the past few months, my weight has fluctuated a bit…not super bad….but enough to rattle my cage. Even though I have been able to eat what I want, when I want and as much or as little as I want, I have noticed this fear surrounding food….and it gets louder and louder….my fear is still that I won’t get enough, I won’t get what I need, I will starve….or….I’ll get fat. My indulgence has been with fruit….and I feel that God made it…..there fore I should be able to have as much as I want. I have gone overboard with that….I think from being restricted for so long…..and because I think I just wanted to push it to the wall, see how strong the wall was….find out where exactly the boundary was.
Monday morning when I got up, my weight was 7 lbs over the goal….4 over the max….talk about panic….but it wasn’t fruit….it was a lot of salt…..but still panic….I can’t trust myself, I’m out of control, etc. I emailed for help….to go back to what has worked for me for 7 years. I didn’t hear for a while and forgot about my panic and settled back into my new way of eating….and it was just fine…..and my weight dropped 2 lbs over night…..then she emailed me back and was so kind and non judgmental…..I re-read the panic stricken note that I sent her and took the plunge. I committed what I would eat today and wrote on a question…..it felt good…..safe. Of course last night didn’t count so I had all the fruit and flax crackers that I wanted….until I was full….and thought, why am I doing this? It doesn’t even feel satisfying, it feels kind of dumb. The funny thing is that I thought for sure my weight would be just horrible this morning….it was actually down another 1/2 lb.
When I got up this morning, things were good, I was happy to be back into the security of my boundaries. While working out, I had some panicking thoughts, that I would starve, that I would go hungry, that life would be so restricting again….normally I would just react in some way to that….run from it in some way…..but Monday….we were actually on that phase of the cleanse….facing fears, past and present….with our tools in hand to deal with them. I stopped and listened to the fears and talked back to them…..in a kind, mellow, caring way. The fears were so real and in my cells, the emotions make it feel as if I am experiencing what I am thinking and feeling…..which is usually what triggers the compulsive or obsessive reaction with food. But I faced the fear and dealt with it….and as real as it seemed in my cells….it’s not real in my existence. I was also able to see where the fear was real in the past….which is how the strong emotion got so engrained in the first place….it’s a survival netiquette. There have been so many times when we have been traveling or just out doing things and I have asked God for an abstinent, healthy, satisfying meal…..and I have gotten it every time…..and it’s usually better than what I would have settled for….I think it has always been better than what I would have settled for. I think that this fear has also been healed….so many things are after we become aware of them and are able to face them squarely….but I won’t know for a while. The woman that I talked to called what I was doing, “research”, I like that…and I think that I would like to research this a little further….otherwise how will I ever know? I do love that God is always helping me to learn and grow and there to catch me if I fall.