I just spent a wonderful weekend at the Lindenwood Retreat Center, (lindenwood.org), in Indiana. I had no expectations, I brought some books and just went with the flow. The retreat theme was on giving our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him, it didn’t matter what if any religious background you came from, and asking for the knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry it out. I was happily surprised at how deeply I felt God. I feel like yet another chunk has been removed and in it’s place there is light, and a very serene sense of peace and trust.
My life is in a tradition phase with both kids graduating to a new level….I’m so excited for both of them. For the past 21 years, my life has been centered around them, and I am so grateful for that, so grateful. I never saw myself as a stay-at-home mom or wife before I did it….I think that it appealed to me, but I never would have admitted it….it just wasn’t cool or sophisticated. This is an area that I prayed and surrendered to God….and he came through! I trusted him, followed him, and the results are amazing! What’s funny is that even with that knowledge I somehow feel that I have to be in control of the future and all of the categories of my life, I have an idea of what is good for me, and I need to take care of business, but I don’t see the whole picture. I was reminded though, that God does. He is aware of my husband, my kids, my home, all of my many groups, activities and needs…..I also saw that I am a high maintenance girl : )….He knows what I am to contribute to the world next. When ever I let go…..and sometimes I really have an iron grip on things….He makes it turn out so well….it all flows, nothing is left out….nothing that is supposed to be there anyway….he will clean out clutter and debris……it all makes sense and is deeply satisfying. I have heard many times lately how our destiny isn’t some big, unfamiliar thing out there somewhere….it’s what we are already doing, what we already get joy from, we just need to do it more and do it better….I can do that.
HI! I have gone to blog so many times in the past couple of months, but just didn’t. Life is very interesting right now, very enlightening. I do believe too that I have finally had my last run about with Pepsi Max. The root of the addiction was shown to me and I was able to release it and let it go. Addiction after all is the consumption of something that we know is harmful to us yet makes us feel better when we succumb to it. It has been a little over a month since my revelation. This time I quit because there is a raw food retreat center that I would like to go and volunteer at to learn more about the lifestyle, needless to say, they don’t drink Pepsi Max and I wouldn’t be of much use if I was detoxing from it while they were expecting me to help, so I thought I would give it another try…short term of course. The next dayI was at a meeting with people that I always feel good and comfortable with….without the Pepsi Max….a huge feeling of fear and insecurity overwhelmed me and I couldn’t wait to get home….where of course I had some Pepsi Max waiting for me….I knew drinking it would make the feeling go away and replace it with joy, energy and the ability to concur the rest of the day. I had a glimpse in the past that I was running from a fear and hiding in the super charged security of the sweet, black nectar, but it still didn’t seem that easy….and even for me, it felt weird, weak…..after all I am Super Sandee…..totally confident and capable : ) Who wants to feel weak and insecure? This time, I stopped and asked God what was wrong, what was I so afraid of? Then I waited…in fear and really wanting to get rid of this feeling at any cost…..including succumbing to this controlling addiction yet again for the temporary and immediate relief that I knew it would give me. I also asked God to remove the desire if He wanted me to go without it. I got a clear message/awakening/enlightenment….whatever you want to call it. I was terrified that the people that I cared for would “find out” that they didn’t like me anymore and would abandon me. They would “find out” that I was really worthless and insignificant. There was an event that had happened during that time…not a really big one….just a remnant of other pains in the past that had come up again and my conscious mind quickly sloughed it off, filed it away and proceeded. It was how I had learned to process pain in the past, it was the more mature, dignified way to handle it. Similar things had happened and I had a deep fear that it would happen again….but as long as I stayed caught up in the unawareness and super speed of the Pepsi Max….it wouldn’t catch up to me or my consciousness. I asked God to heal that in me….and He did. I haven’t had the desire for it since. I also have a security and feeling of worthiness that is real that I didn’t have before. I find it so interesting that something like that can rule us to the extent it does….our minds, bodies and emotions do what ever they can to protect us….and for that I have love and appreciation….now I have more patience and understanding to ask what really is the matter….and the security of knowing that as long as I have God, it will be just fine. Every addiction I have had has been a “tool”….it may not have been the best tool, but I knew how to use it. It makes more appreciate all the more when I get the correct tool for the job : )
I have so much more to share with you from the past couple of months, and I will, but not today. Life is so good, I’m in such a good space.
Lots of Love and Light to you!