I was just going thorough a cabinet in my bedroom and found this paper from 8-13-03….obviously the start of another diet.
Weight 190 Thursday was 128.5, (and has been for 3 1/2 yrs)
Neck 15 in Today 13
Chest 48.5 Today 37
Mid drift 38.5 Today 32.25
Waist 39.5 Today 29
Abs 45.5 Today 33 (the little pouch below the belly button)
hips 43.5 Today 33.5
Thigh 25.5 Today 19.5
Calf 16 Today 14
Arm 13.5 Today 10.5
Well yes I’m very grateful and that wasn’t even my worst….I have gotten up to 205 or 210….it seems like an entirely different lifetime. This is where God has been doing for me what I was never able to do for myself. I was thinking the other day about my Dad. We all try to do better for our kids than we had….and he really did so much better for my sister and me than was shown to him by his dad….way better. One thing about him growing up was that they were very poor…and while they got enough….just enough….to eat, it was mainly staple food like macarroni, and he could do a lot with macaroni that made it taste so good….grandma too. There was something about his father eating steak and they would smell it and want it….but they would get hot dogs….he didn’t like to talk about his father much and when he did it was obviously painful so we just didn’t go there. Any way my point is that early on there was a connection with food and love. My dad didn’t get what he needed from his father…in love, attention or on a physical matter…food. My parents were divorced when I was 2 so as long as I can remember, visiting my dad was like going to a party. I would see him every other weekend and we would have to fit all that love and attention into those two days. Food was always the center of focus weather we were at home or out to a retaurant with a lot of people or just home playing games….my dad loved us and wanted to show us love in a place that he was aware of that would make a person feel loved….food….and not just enough….more than enough….he never wanted us to want for it….and we didn’t….not while we were with him, (but we did with our mother)….and it was good and plenty. I think he gave himself love that way too….or tried to fill that void. I wish I could give him a big hug right now, I miss him so much and I wish that I could show him what I know now….I think that he’s the one who showed me how to get on this path. I had also learned that showing love was providing enormous amounts of “good” food to people and when all of the deaths were happening and all of the pain that followed came, I tried to replace that love with food….and more food….and more food….but it just made me full, fat, depressed and still in need of love.
Wow, I didn’t imagine that I would be going in this direction when I sat down to tell you what I found. For a moment I thought that I would just delete it and be grateful for the personal insight…..but if someone else can gain from this insight….then that’s a good thing. The void is no longer a void….God filled it up….all I had to do was ask….and He really is always here. I show myself love…and my family love….by taking good care of myself so that I can be my best for them as well as myself. I’m finally at peace with who I am, where I came from, whom I came from and the situations that have been. I’ve been on this beautiful sunny road for a while now and I feel safe….I never felt safe before but I didn’t know it because it was just a normal existance for me.
Yesterday I did Kathy Smiths Fat Burning Aeorbics for exercise.
Food: 1/4 C oat bran, Strawberry/Banana Smoothie, Green drink, oil pill
16 oz raw/cooked Butternut Squash soup, ezekiel bread, 1/4 avocado, pina collad smoothie.
16 oz jicama, cucumber and radishes, 1/2 sweet potato (fries), chocolate/peanut butter smoothie, 1/4 avocado….I dipped the jicama in it.
Oooops, I forgot I was cleaning out cupboards : ) See ya!